GUY TRUTHS THEYD TELL IF THEY HAD THE GUTS

1. Anything bedazzled is bad news

2. We’re not fans of your hamster-size dog. It’s high-maintenance, temperamental, and embrassing to be seen with. If we wanted that, we would date a high school sophmore or a mime

3. We don’t enjoy listening to you sing. Why? Because it means watching you voluntarily bomb your one-woman talent show for what feels like an eternity. Then, adding insult to injury, we have to tell you how great you are

4. Calling just to ask “whatcha thinking about?” is never cute.

5. We absolutely care about your opinions and want to know your thoughts, just not when it comes to our clothes, our “dumb” friends, or anything else we’re irrationally attached to
6. Threatening to revoke sexual privileges is both cruel and unfair and leaves us no equal measure of recourse. Ergo, we would appreciate your abstaining from all such threats

7. Your dad’s not as nice to us as you think he is

8. We never, ever want to hear these four words: We.Need.To.Talk. The instant they leave your mouth, they register in our brain as I’m pregnant, We’re breaking up, or I’ve been kidnapped. In any case, it send us into mental tailspin that leaves us miserable until you explain the situation, which invariably ends up being far less damning than fatherhood or kidnapping

9. Wedding talk isn’t scary; marrying someone we don’t want to spend the rest of our life with is. If we cringe at the “E” word or anything shiny with a circular shape; it’s a good indicator that we’re not thinking long term

10. We don’t mind cute pet names. However, they must never be used in the public domain, especially within earshot of our friends and coworkers. There is no amount of therapy that will repair the damage our friends will inflict when they find out we respond to Sugar Num-Nums

11. You look hot in our clothes; we don’t look good in yours. Please don’t buy us skinny jeans, capri pants, or shirts that are the color of Easter eggs

12. We don’t want to know about your bathroom business. We have a lovely image of you that does not include toilets. Sharing that info with us is like telling a child Santa isn’t real. Don’t kill the dream

13. We know we suck at dancing. Yet we still groove with you at weddings and clubs. Our attempts at dancing are a form of social self-sacrafice for the sake of appeasing you. Therefore, curb the remarks, and say something nice. After all, we tell you that you have a great voice, don’t we?